Sex Before Marriage
Me and my husband teach our kids that sex is for married couples only. I know, I know, its absurd….unrealistic….not the way of the world, right? Why? Why are there so many people against this idea that we should share our most private actives with our spouse? If this idea is something you don’t believe in, what are you teaching your children? Are you simply just ignoring the issue or are you having talks with them about how they need to have multiple sex partners before they get married? Or maybe the age old, you have to try it before you buy it…what are parents teaching their kids if they don’t believe that sex belongs only in marriage?
I’m not going to pretend that I waited for marriage because I didn’t. But, it was never offered to me as an option either. I was raised with condom and birth control awareness! I don’t blame my parents for my short comings of course, I take full responsibility for my actions. But, you could almost say I was given permission…right? Of course, I am thankful for how everything went down because I was blessed with two beautiful children, but things could have been a lot easier on me if I waited!
At a certain age I was told about condoms and birth control and STDs and how to “be careful”. Not that all of these talks served their purpose…I did get pregnant at 16! So, what do I do about it now? I live, I learn, I teach!
Quick summary about the last 15 years of life regarding sex before marriage
- I got pregnant at 16 and didn’t know it until I was 17 when I was 6 months pregnant wondering why none of my clothes would fit even though I was on a diet…No, I didn’t have periods for those 6 months, but at 16 you are not mature enough to notice those months of freedom from your friend!
- I had a baby at the age of 17 while I still wore my braces.
- I dropped out of school during my pregnancy and got my GED.
- I read and researched and figured out how to be a mom. Luckily, I do have amazing parents that treated me good enough to make me want to treat my child as something I wanted, rather than a “mistake/bother”.
- I grew up the most I could in 4 short months and had a baby!
- Me and his dad stayed in a miserable relationship with each other until I was 19.
- Me and his dad broke up. I lived with my mom and raised my baby the best I could with lots of help and guidance from her.
- At this point I have a very low self esteem. Constant thoughts of things like:
- Who wants to marry a 19 yr old with a baby?
- Who wants to be with a 19 yr old that looks like she had a baby?
- Who, at 19, wants to take on the responsibility of a step child?
- How will I ever get to college?
- How will I ever get a real job?
- How will I ever have a successful life?
- In an attempt to heighten my self esteem, I started partying…I am still 19 at this point, it made sense at the time.
- I met a lot of men that wanted one thing then they wouldn’t call! Go figure…
- I met a guy that didn’t mind that I had a kid, kept in contact with me and was super nice to me. I didn’t necessarily think he was “the one” but hey, no one else will want me, right!
- I married that guy.
- I had a baby with that guy!
- He and I joined the army and the relationship did not hold up through training.
- We deployed and stayed together through deployment.
- We bought a house.
- I got through college!
- We got divorced.
- I moved in a new boyfriend soon after.
- We broke up, he moved out.
- I found a church that taught me how to have a relationship with Jesus and I fell in love with Him!
- I decided not to date again until I found myself.
- I started dating just over a year later with a very rigid check list of what I wanted and a very strong rule of no kissing, no SEX!
- After a few months of dating, I met David!
- David had a relationship with Jesus!
- David offered me a purity ring!
- David moved in before we got married….this was a step back to say the least!
- Old habits die hard, my flesh is weak, we broke our purity…
- Luckily, in the end, we got married and we are still happily married today.
- However, we deal with his daughters mother who, for the most part, has done her best to alienate him.
- We spent lots of money on a lawyer and court.
- We got visitation time after 2 years of him not seeing his daughter.
- We are still dealing with drama from that side and still dealing with court dates.
Sounds fun right! Thank God for the try it before you buy it saying or I might have married my ex….oh wait, I did, and go figure, marriage is not about sex! I dont know about you but this is not what I want my kids to have to go through.
Let do a quick summary on my kids life regarding this situation:
- Josh has looked to 4 men as a fatherly figure, that’s healthy!
- Aaron has looked up to 3 men as a fatherly figure and wonders why his older brothers dad isn’t his dad but his dad was his older brothers dad at one point…not confusing at all.
- Kenz lives in a different state then her father and she is working on fatherly figure number 3 or 4.
- She doesn’t get to see her dad as often as she sees her step dad.
- When Kenz gets to see daddy, mommy is far away, that’s sounds pleasant!
- Try to explain this one, are all of these kids yours….ummmm, no, the oldest is mine and the middle one is mine but they have 2 different dads and the youngest is my husbands, but not mine…got it?
- Of course, I LOVE to get along with people so my ex husband comes over whenever he wants to see the kids and takes them both for overnights….but he talks to my husband more than he talks to me.
- My best friend is Josh’s, sisters’, mother (we share an ex), so that’s another fun one to explain. Oh, they look so much alike! Yes they do, but she isn’t mine, he is but she is his sister but my friends daughter, not mine…
- Planning Thanksgiving dinner…We need a chair for Josh’s dad, Aaron’s dad, my husband, my husbands parents, kenzie’s mom and moms boyfriend, if they would come. We will go to my exes family dinner afterward…
- Josh and Aaron ask things like, “Why cant Kenz live with us, we miss her” “Why have we made trips to her state and not gotten to see her, that’s not fair.” “Why cant Kenz be here for Christmas this year?” etc…
- Kenz ask things like, “Why does he pack a bag to see his daddy but I dont get to pack one to see you?”, “Why do I go home and they stay here with you?” “Why can’t you and M&M (her nickname for me) come live with Mommy and me?”
Okay, I could go on and on and on about the weird situations we end up in! But the point is, I don’t want my grand-kids to have these same questions!
I want to make it clear that I am in no way complaining. My life rocks and I am happy to have my children and my step daughter, but it took a lot to get to this place. All of this confusion can be easily avoided by simply saving sex for your spouse!!! Seems so simple…my kids have decided to wait, but I know that it is something we have to continue to teach because the world no longer teaches the idea of sex being something special made for you and your spouse only.
My kids do deal with a lot of confusion and they feel the pain from a very blended family, if anyone could find the strength to wait for marriage, it is them!
Here is a fun fact…when I married the person God told me to marry, sex became very different. Sex with your spouse, while God is in charge of your relationship, is like nothing else! Him and I could not believe the difference, as if we were on higher ground, a literal cloud 9 all of the sudden in our intimate life. It is so worth the wait when you allow God to lead you!
So, the most important part, what does the bible say about this topic?
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV : For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV : But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
The bible lets us know that our flesh is weak, we will be tempted, get married so you can give into the temptation of sex, without sinning! The bible then goes on to talk about the beauty of sex between husband and wife. Have you ever read the song of Solomon? Its a very intimate book right in the middle of the bible! Something to remember, the bible does not talk about sex in a positive way one single time when it is outside of marriage!
How do I move on knowing all of the sexual sins of my past?
One of my favorite websites, Focus On The Family, talks about a few misconceptions about Premarital sex…its a great article! In that article they said:
1 John 1:9 promises that if you confess your sins, that He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Note: This includes all sin, and does not exclude sexual sin. Psalm 103: 12 also promises, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions [sins] from us.”
In addition to forgiveness, God wants you to embrace His grace that will help you move forward in life and embrace the promises He has for you with joy. In spite of your choices, God wants to bring you relational fulfillment.
For those of you against this idea, guess what I learned from having sex before marriage:
- Sex creates babies!
- I’m going to teach my kids to wait.
- Sex outside of marriage hurts my self-esteem.
- Sex creates overwhelming feelings that are hard to deal with unless you are married.
The point is, teach your kids to wait…give them the chance to take the path less traveled, the most rewarding option, the hard thing!